After I had written the post My Dreams For You
I realized it sounded similar to going through the 5 stages of grief also known as the Kubler-Ross model. I began to think about my range of emotions and realized that, even though she was not diagnosed with a terminal disease, I still went through the process of grieving Grieving for the child I thought I was going to have. Don't get me wrong, I love Sierra with every ounce of my being, but nobody dreams of having a child with autism!
Denial - I didn't want to believe there was something wrong with my precious little girl! I made many excuses for why she wasn't talking, late starter like her dad was, or she was working on learning the physical stuff first. I made excuses for Sierra not making eye contact with certain people, they were all blond and she comes from a dark haired family so they are just different for her. I knew there was something wrong but I didn't want to admit it.
Anger - I prayed for another baby but I also said "God I would love another child but please don't give me a special needs child, I don't think I have it in me to take care of one." I was very angry with God for giving me one anyway and of course I did the whole "why me" thing.
Bargaining - Lord please let her come out of this and be a normal child, I will do what ever you want.
Depression - I would cry every time I would imagine Sierra never talking, not having friends, not getting married, or just not being the little girl I dreamed of when she was growing inside me. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything, but wallow in my self pity.
Acceptance - I came out of my pity party, and started to research autism and what I could do to treat her symptoms and in turn improve her quality of life. I also realized how very special she is and their is a reason why God gave her to me!
God has given me a wonderful little girl she's smart, loving, beautiful, funny, and giving, she just happens to have autism.as well. I realize that now, but I had to go through the process of grieving to get to this point.
This is not part of the process, but I just wanted to add this in. Back when I was praying for another child, in hindsight it was almost like God was telling me my baby was going to be special needs and I kept arguing with him saying, "I want a baby just don't give me one if it is going to be special needs." When we were trying to have Hannah I never felt the need to pray that.